I apologize if the title is misleading in that you may be expecting a deep, reflective thought about women and womanhood. It’s not. I’ve thought about this a number of times before, but it reoccurred to me this weekend and I actually have time to record my feelings. The idea came to the forefront when I considered sending out our Christmas cards. (When I say Christmas cards, I really only mean to the very few (i.e. our grandparents) who may not have heard from us in awhile.) [I do love reading everyone else’s Christmas letters, however I feel that as a couple in school we have very little to report. When we have children, we will definitely do a letter.]
Here’s our scenario: Sunday evening, Jeff and I are relaxing, not really doing anything.
Me: You know, you should write in those Christmas cards to your Grandparents. We need to get those mailed out tomorrow.
Jeff: (pauses, looks up from his iPod game) Yeah (returns to his game)
20 Minutes Later…
Me: Why don’t we do our Christmas cards together? I’ll take them to the post office tomorrow… [This is me really hinting that I don’t want to have to do them. Alone.]
Jeff: Sure. I’ll get them done. (no movement from his spot on the couch)
Monday morning
Me: We need to mail those cards today so they will arrive in time for Christmas
Jeff: I don’t have time. I’m busy every evening this week.
So here I am, late Monday morning, begrudgingly writing in Christmas cards to his grandparents, with whom I’m pretty certain we have not had more than a four-word conversation involving “How’s school?” “Good.” "Good"
My question is: What reflects on the woman? Does it look bad on me if the card is late, or does it look bad on the husband? What visible actions/inactions do we unconsciously contribute to the woman/wife? I recognize that historically women were responsible for running the household, but in situations where the wife/mom works and is busier than her husband, why is it that society attributes that ‘thing’ to the woman?
-Let’s say you visit someone’s house and it is not clean. [And let’s say you don’t know them. I would hope that people who visit me and our house is dirty would think either (1) It must be finals and she is studying like crazy or (2) She must be resisting all of her obsessive impulses to teach her hubby that somebody has to pick it up] Do you think This is not a clean wife/woman? Or do you think Wow, the husband is messy?
-Let’s say you get a thank you letter over three months after the gift was given. (Speaking of, I do have some thank yous still from our wedding…) Do you think that she should have been “on top of it”?
I would like to hear your opinion!! Do you think you unconsciously (or consciously) make assumptions about women based on certain things? (Cleanliness, her style, her kids’ apparel/hygiene/messiness, the Christmas/Thank-You cards, Christmas gifts, etc.?)
2 years ago
7 comments:
I do think people tend to make assumptions about women more often than men based on the things that you mentioned. But I also know that people who know you well enough tend to be understanding when your house is messy. I think it's safe to say the vast majority of people have had a messy house at some point in their life. When I see other people who are working hard and their house is a little messy, I think, "Wow, she's human like me." But I understand what you're saying, and I do think you're right. We tend to let men off the hook more often than women when it comes to things like cleaning, kids, remembering important dates/holidays, etc.
And I share your opinion about letters. We did our first Christmas letter just this year.
I hope you get a break during the holidays!
There is some who will reflect on it being the women's fault and there is some who will not. You just have to decide whether you want to worry about it or not. If someone makes a judgement about a situation and doesn't know the whole story, they are foolish and assumptive. Don't let a fool determine how you feel about yourself. There is not enought time in this life to please a fool. Also, if Jeff doesn't think it is worth HIS time to send HIS grandparents a card, then you either send them because YOU want to do it or you don't send it and no one will think you are a bad women/wife/granddaughter. Most people like to recieve a card because it shows a thought (and who doesn't like to be thought about!!) but they don't keep track or make black marks on those who don't send them! You are doing great with the load you have to bear and just keep the positives in sight and forget about what others think of you. Like you said you hope those who know you "will say...", those who know you will and if they don't they will love you despite! If you need to talk EVER, you can call.
Fascinating topic. I've also struggled with assuming most of the typically "female" ascribed responsibilities, such as scrubbing the toilet, cooking, cleaning, etc. Peter doesn't do much around the house. And I work longer hours than him right now, so thats frustrating. Two thoughts: we have to teach them the psychology of it (not that I've been successful with this yet myself)- how it affects my weekend knowing that I have to scrub the toilets and he never thinks about it. Also, they're not as interested in some of the social obligatory stuff that we are such as Christmas cards. If we didn't send them, they wouldn't care. Its more important for us as women to send and receive cards - to feel connected to others...? On a positive note, Peter does all of the finances and home repair, so its a division of responsibilities.
Gender roles or no, what we need to do less of is hinting. I don't want to be the only one putting EVERYONE'S clean clothes away, but unless I ask specifically, one of two things happen: Matt only takes responsibility for his own stuff, or the clothes sit in baskets for a week. When I start back into old habits and hint drop too much, Matt reminds me that if it something important enough to me, I need to tell him to stop what he is doing to listen, or it doesn't register. He admits it! It is the same for all men, I'm not gonna lie. :)
Now I must ask you what week you went to church in Scottsbluff? Does your family know them personally? There are two wards there, so I wonder if it was the same? My In-Laws were with us for the New Year, so they were on this end of the state!
You are very reflective. Anyone who judges you for not doing this or that when you are incredibly busy is too judgmental and you shouldn't worry what others think if you are simply doing you best and your home isn't perfect. Your place is never a mess anyways. Having a few books out or some dishes not clean is not a messy place.
If you want to get things done with Jeff, arrange FHE's so that you can alternate aspects of it. Rachel and I change who does everything, so if we want to get something done (like writing letters), that is the activity for the night. Sometimes women need to put things in front of men if we're just relaxing, then things will get done.
You have very thoughtful insights.
The wos of being a wife!! I work hard to keep in contact with my siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and had spent hours maintaining my relationship with my elder relatives before they died. I have received many blessings in my life because of these wonderful people who have shared my joys and tears. I support dad in his relationships but if he doesn't feel the need to keep up with his family that is his decision and I don't own his actions or inactions. Yes, I have been criticized about not mailing a card for a wedding on his side or a baby gift but at the beginning of our 30 year marriage we sat down and divided up the Thank you cards for our own families and friends and discussed that I could not and would not maintain both sides of our families relationships. If anyone asks about a card I have always said talk with Stan and I don't feel guilty about it. Regarding house work just communicate what your expectations are for the week. Your father spent some nights up cleaning because he couldn't find the time from reading the paper or watching TV to do his work, again I don't feel guilty about his choosing to do his work at 0200 it was his choice. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. I love you!! mom
I meant to comment on this when I first read it, but my arms were full (common excuse). It's sad, but true, that I fall in the same trap you mentioned--but it's completely unintentional. Just like I sometimes think stay-at-home-moms don't do much, even though I AM one, and know what my days are like, it can be easy to fall in the same line of thinking about untidy homes--man, what kind of housekeeper are they? Oh yeah, like me--busy! Although, like someone else said, if I see an untidy home, I feel a bit better, knowing they are human, too. (Especially if their place normally is clean when I go over, but then I drop by on short notice and see that it's not spotless, I actually feel a little better.) When Brady and I wrote wedding thank yous, we divided them up, too--he wrote them for the people he knew, and I wrote them for the people I knew--because it seemed kind of silly for me to write "Thank you so much" to someone he had grown up with and was close to; I knew it would mean more coming from him. I have to admit, I am BAD at acknowledging birthdays and mother's/father's day, etc. I remember the occasion, but I am so bad at getting things in the mail. Sorry, this is rambling.
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